Reasons why you'll see less of Fran soon

I learned recently that a good proportion of the dust in our houses, particularly in our bathrooms, consists of dead skin cells, sloughed from our bodies.

This would explain why, one day after I’ve cleaned my bathroom, there it is again: a visible layer of dust on the surfaces which looks a million times worse when the sun bursts in through the window like an interfering aunt, tutting at my squalor and running a judgemental finger along the ledges.

I have a question, though.

If I and my (slim) husband are sloughing off THAT many skin cells, how come a) I am still too plump and b) he has not disappeared?

I assume that the peak time for the sloughing of skin cells is when we’re towelling ourselves down after a shower. Take this to its logical conclusion and this means that the more often I towel, the thinner I’ll get.

Scene: family lunch

‘I’m just popping to the bathroom, guys.’

‘Mum, are you oKAY? You’re spending a lot of time up there.’

‘Don’t worry. You’ll soon see the results.’

Presumably, also, I can save all the money we spend on Lenor fabric softener because *bad rhyming couplet alert*

Don’t worry that your towels are rough.

You’ll get a better rate of slough.

Add to this the money I’d have spent at Slimming World had I started going to a local class as I’d been considering. I shall forget that and, in fact, use the time to write my new book aimed at the weight-loss community: ‘Towel Yourself to Trimness.’

My husband and I have disagreed on the best ways to dust for over 40 years now. He likes ‘wet-dusting’ with a damp cloth and believes it’s more efficient whereas I prefer a feather duster. ‘You just whip it all back into the air,’ he complains, and I now think he may have a point. It’s one thing to have your discarded skin cells lying placidly on a bathroom windowsill minding their own business but it’s another to have them hanging about in the atmosphere at face height where you might catch one on your tongue or find one in your eye.

Yes, it’s a reunion of sorts, but not the type you’d celebrate with cake and champagne, especially when I’m trying to get rid of skin cells, not take them back on.

Inside Fran’s diary

Coming up soon: talks to the local Probus Club and Women’s Institute plus a gig as a compere at the South Warwickshire Literary Festival

On Tuesday 21 May in the evening, I’m taking part in a panel discussing author promotion at a Warwickshire Society of Authors meeting in Leamington Spa. You don’t have to be an SofA member to come if you’d like to sign up.

At some point in between all this I’ll be editing the follow-up to ‘Cuckoo in the Nest’, working on Book 3, and Googling ‘How to tell your husband he’s been right all along about the wet-dusting without losing your dignity.’